“Honey, we need to talk”:
Negotiating safer sex with your partner
By: Kim
I’m sure most of us wish that having sex didn’t involve so much responsibility. “If only I didn’t have to worry about getting pregnant and contracting a sexually transmitted infection!” Right? But although we might hate to think of it, the fact remains that every time we engage in unsafe sex, we put ourselves at risk for unintended pregnancy and/or a sexually transmitted infection (STI) like HIV, gonorrhea, or herpes. So knowing this, why is it that so many women continue to practice unsafe sex?
For many women, the problem isn’t so much ignorance of the consequences of unsafe sex as it is that we are afraid to be assertive and to talk with our partners about our concerns and fears. We may be afraid that they will react by becoming offended or even angry. Or, we may feel uncomfortable talking about sex, especially when in many cultures this is taboo, especially if the person talking is female. However, these reasons are NOT worth the risks of unsafe sex. It’s important to realize that negotiating safer sex is a conversation that EVERY couple needs to have, and here’s how to go about doing it.
Know what safer sex is all about
Before you can talk to your partner about having safer sex, you first need to make sure you know what it is. Safer sex includes practices that reduce or eliminate contact with anyone else’s body fluids (like semen, blood, vaginal fluids, and/or discharge from open sores). All these fluids can carry viruses and/or bacteria that cause STIs, and semen can cause pregnancy.
Some safer sex practices include:
• Kissing
• Erotic massage
• Masturbation (touching yourself)
• Sexual stimulation of a partner using a hand
• Oral sex using a condom or a dental dam
• Vaginal or anal sex using a condom
Learn how to use condoms and dental dams properly.
Decide what practices you will and will not engage in
First of all, decide what you are comfortable with and what makes you uncomfortable. Don’t engage in any sexual behavior that makes you uncomfortable, but always protect yourself. Remember, the more you engage in safer sex practices, the less your risk of STIs and pregnancy.
Communicate with your partner!
This is the part that many people find the most challenging. However, being ready for the conversation by having it your thoughts and correct information already prepared will make it easier to initiate the conversation and stand up for your beliefs.
Remember to open the conversation without accusations. This isn’t about what you or he/she did wrong, but about what will be right for both of your. Anticipate your partner’s potential reactions and arguments, and think through how you will deal with them. For example, if a male partner says that condoms will “lessen the feeling” of sex, explain that condoms are made of an extremely thin material shouldn’t lessen his pleasure. Some condoms are specifically made to heighten sensation, and in fact, many men say that using condoms helps them to stay erect longer!
Your partner may appreciate your viewpoint and respond positively. Or, he/she may feel that suggesting safer sex indicates a lack of trust. Say that this is not about a lack of trust, and tell your partner how you feel about him/her. Say that your desire for safer sex means you care about both of you. Explain that you will feel much more comfortable when you don’t have to worry about the risk of STIs or pregnancy.
Show your partner some pamphlets, Web sites, or books about safer sex practices.
If after explaining your views in a positive, non-accusing manner you and your partner still cannot agree on this crucial issue, then it is important to think about the relationship as a whole, and whether your partner respects and cares about you. Remember, no one should ever ask you to compromise your health and well-being!
Follow through on your choices
Make sure you actually live up to the promise you have made yourself and your partner to practice safer sex. Even if your partner agrees you, you are responsible for your own health. So, instead of hoping that your partner remembers to bring the condoms or dental dams, have your own available. Remember that alcohol might lower your inhibitions or provide an excuse to engage in practices you wouldn’t if you were sober; so keep the consumption of alcohol to a minimum for the most satisfying and safe intimate experience.
Express gratitude to your partner
Let your partner know you are grateful for his/ her sense of responsibility and for considering your feelings regarding safer sex. Encourage your partner to continue healthy behaviors and practices.
Communicating your needs, fears, and desires to your partner may not be the easiest thing to do. But in the case of safer sex, it could be a conversation that will prevent years of heartache and regret and even save your life!
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